Category: Mindfulness

There was nothing wrong with my childhood. Literally, not one thing. It’s odd to say out loud. It feels weird to accept. And at first, it is scary to know.

This idea may sound confusing, and it may seem impossible, but I promise, it’s the truth. You see, what I’ve done to myself is what almost every human has done, and will continue to do. I’ve written my past accordingly to the past I want. 

For so long I looked back and just saw pain. So much pain. So much stress. And an unbelievable amount of loneliness. These issues were, and are, real… but they’re also incomplete. Because as much as I used to not want to admit it to myself, there was also so much light. 

I always had friends. We hung out a lot. I always had family. We smiled a lot. And yes, the past had darkness, but there was more than just darkness. There was so much that I was forgetting. So much I was letting go of in order to see the past that I wanted to see, and not the past that was. 

I was uncomfortable, but only sometimes. I was awkward, but only sometimes. I was insecure, but only sometimes.

Now you may ask, since many do, why would I want to see darkness? Why would I want to be unhappy? Why would I make my own hell?

I’ll answer your question with a question, why are you so certain that pursuing happiness is our driving principle? If that is the case, then why do we rush for pleasures? We drink ourselves into a rut. We distance ourselves out of fear. We work to forget. We take without even realizing that we took. It can be fun, but only for the moment, and these moments are short.

For most of my life, I’ve been scared of being happy. The idea terrified me. And I’m talking about true happiness. The happiness one gets when their life is complete. When someone can’t help but have a genuine smile on their face every time they wake up in the morning because they are blessed with another perfect day. Yeah, that type of happy. That shit made me fucking panic. 

Because as the self author I am, and the negative loops we need to consciously avoid, I reminded myself day in and day out that I was better. I would tell myself that happiness, that genuine true beautiful happiness, must be fake. “Just look at it”, I’d say. “Watch as they cry inside. Notice their ignorance. Feel their pain that they must be hiding”. Rationalization is quite a powerful tool. 

And so, I set to work in my hell, my beautiful hell. I learned to be content. I found the “bright side” in things. And in time, I found comfort in myself while avoiding the truth. Surrounding myself with disillusion until the illusion became reality. 

We grow with our assumptions, and we develop our logic and reasoning and experience accordingly. Which makes this ever so difficult to explain. Remember when I said I had a thought that could not be spread? Well, here is it. 

Happiness for me was the unknown. It was new territory. A land not traveled on. There were no roads, no path, just wildness. And it terrified me because I was scared of getting lost. Oh, yes. Getting lost is the fear. 

I couldn’t imagine a life, a me, without my darkness as a guide. If I got lost in the happiness, then what would I be? What would I become? Who would I be? Questions that I was too scared to answer, so I never tried. You see, I was my sadness. 

I feared that I would forget my pain. My reason for being. Because as much as the pain hurt, it made sense. It was all of the sense. And if I lost it, then I wouldn’t know what to be and worst of all, this would mean that I held onto the darkness for no reason. That the pain I had felt was simply for no reason other than its own self-creation. 

The darkness hurt, yes, but it is powerful. It is a tool and a weapon and armor. And so you make that darkness, that sadness, into the best damn thing ever. You know the ins and outs. The rights and wrongs. Every last detail to the point that you believe you are the one who should thank the darkness. For it made you, and you learned to love it. 

But then there’s that lingering issue… it’s sadness. 

Yes, you will be powerful. Yes, you will be sure. But… you’ll be sad. You’ll be in hell. And as much as you tell yourself there is not, there is a heaven. It’s so beautiful, trust me, please! It’s in the happiness. You just need to let go! Let go of your feelings of getting lost, and just walk, you’ll find what you looking for and so much more!

Nothing has actually ever hurt me. I’ve only hurt myself. And depending on how I remember my past, I will determine how much more pain I put myself through. This isn’t to ignore but to instead feel and let go. To kindly accept that you are the issue, not the world that surrounds you. 

“It is an odd moment when you realize something that has always been, does not have to always be”

How do you draw a smile? Not a picture. Not a sketch. No representation, just the thing itself.

I guess you can’t. That’s not the end of the world I suppose. Bring it in, and then let it go.

Even these entries I can feel my ego working as a politician. Planning the value it can reek from these words. Sad that it feels obligated to resort to such desires. Ironic as well. It’s only when I write freely does something truly beautiful emerge.

Emerge. Interesting word choice. Not create, but emerge. Similar to unsurfaced. This implies it was always there, just hidden. 

So, let’s get rolling.

I create my world yet hold to the illusion that I passively interpret it. That I find it, analyze it, and output. This is true if you live by the ego’s will. By its rule book. And so I say don’t, but I know I do.

And everyone does to an extent, or maybe entirely, I don’t know. Because in the very nature of existing lies the disillusion that we are anything more than a fabrication. And since you are god, so is your creation. So everything you know is wrong. 

You are the ego. The person writing right now is the ego. The interpreter behind those eyes of yours is the ego. 

Try following an object’s border with your eyes. Don’t jump from one significant point to the next until you’ve made it around the edge. Instead, follow every detail. Trace it one millimeter at a time. It’s funny because you can’t, I wonder why.

The ego, you, god, creates it all. The thing is that the ego doesn’t have to be a part of this equation… but do you know what that implies? The you, or the I, will be erased because it was always creating itself in the first place. And so since it never truly existed means that nothing is truly lost.

But oh no, (and here’s the tricky tricky part), that means everything would be lost. Your beautiful creation would vanish… and yes, you are a part of your own creation.

Can you believe that you gave birth to yourself? Or that you’ve created your own death? I barely can even understand it, and I know it! 

So nothing would be lost, yet everything you define as anything would be destroyed. Sounds scary. And although it isn’t, it also is. Sounds impossible. Again, although it isn’t, it also is. 

I honestly don’t know the next step from here. I have truth, but no way of turning my knowledge into understanding. No way of shifting principle into practice. 

Maybe ego death is the key (don’t worry, that doesn’t imply any type of physical harm). Doing and being in ways your ego can’t tolerate. And although it’s hard to know what that is, just follow your fears… because remember that the ego has many tools to get its way. 

Or meditate. Separate from the story that you write for yourself. Detach from the narrative, and attach to your senses as they take in the world you seem to always forget about.

And most of all, you must be cautious. You are a master of illusion and self-deception. So typically if you feel you’re going the right way, just remember, you should probably turn around.

Fear lets us be the one that we wish to not. It confines us to the corners of our body and it hides as the energy of our soul is sliced to bits.

Oh my love, oh my dearest. I love you. I love you all. All and full I feel you pull at the air that suffocates you. I wish nothing more than for it to stop, yet there I stand breathing.

I found hope today. As I can on any day. But today was enough. Enough for my soul to explore the vastness once again. To feel the light hit its heart and remember how to cry.

I miss tears. And I suppose they miss me. They remind me. They show me. They love me, for I will love them.

Darkness is a beast that we love to give a name to. For that name shall never be our own. A name is a difference, and difference is anything but none.

So fight tooth and nail, and we shall see no end because the end is as “different” as the beginning.

Balance. I used to question its significance, now I crave its power. The power that the metaphor I manifest only for myself, I long to harness; just to find it was under my feet the entire time.

These gods, our gods, rule us not from the skies above, but from the self that governs our world.

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I am the ego, yet I am also Jake West. It’s okay, I love explaining. 

In truth, I am the ego. Yet in disillusion, I am Jake West. 

This human, the ego, has everything. Yet the identity, Jake West, finitely confines itself to fit what it wants to be and what it wants to see itself as. In doing so, Jake West is constantly redirecting and changing to be the “best” that it believes that it “should” be… or “could” be? 

Power is the ego’s goal. Power is Jake West’s goal (shh, but don’t be loud, Jake might hear). 

I, it, the ego, Jake West, is craving power because I believe I need control. Why? Because of my beautiful world. Earth has its set rules and laws of natural order. It brought life and eventually us humans. Complex enough to see past the now and understand that the future is coming. So, we must act! We must prepare! Natural selection! These are all truths of our planet, our god. And so, by the luck, or unluck, we have become our selfish little selves. 

It’s okay, we’ll grow out of it eventually. Everything always does, it just takes time… good thing time isn’t real. 

So, where was I? I don’t know. Who cares? The point is that my little Jake is changing because the ego, also me, is realizing for the first time the benefits of becoming mortal. It’s very godlike to have a blog where you say what is (that applies to attempt of “teaching”… but #it’sfine). 

I guess godlike is arrogance. I’ve been arrogant since I started playing the game. Since I started claiming power. Jesus Christ, and let me say, I’ve done well in this game. I have a lot of power. 

It seems that in order to grow in life, one must first get power, and then let it go optionally…. I’d say the step that follows but I don’t know it yet. 

I wonder if one can skip the power step altogether? People who can’t get conventional power seem to say and think so, but it seems like a facade. To me, it seems that they find and/or make new pockets of power and then reside there. Eventually though, if one wants to grow (which many don’t) they must let go of what they used to “own”. Because at the end of the day you truly can not control anything. 

Jake West is utterly powerless. He doesn’t get that yet, but trust me, he is. And so the only way to grow and see truth is to acknowledge that Jake West is merely a character from the epic story that the ego writes every day. One day I’ll understand. One day I’ll understand. 

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i am raised a level
i am one higher than before
right now i am
before i was not
now i am
and now is all that is
so i am one higher
but how do you compare to what is not there?
was it ever?
i can’t know for sure
so... i am now
and now is this
one 
just… one
so one is all
all is one
does it matter?
and if one is all then one equals infinity
does that mean one equals five-hundred and twelve?
or forty-three trillion?
sure
all are equally far and as impossible
but… it is
impossible to logic
impossible to reason
impossible to what was
But as i said… all is only now
And was then even then?
let’s not recap, it’s too far
it may not even be true anymore
i don’t know
so.... this
this
this
this
those then were all
i think
and now, well, they are nothing
and maybe always nothing
i don’t know because this is now
okay, I caught one, did you?
you, you, you, YOU!
look at you!
okay, there
you were all again
how was it?
it was infinite
but we can’t catch infinity
so we call it one

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I am a writer. 
Such a pretty writer. 
Look at me write. 
La La La. Pretty Pretty Pretty.

I like to write. 
Cause I’m a writer. 
Such a Pretty Pretty Pretty writer. 
La La La.

What if I was real? 
Could you believe me? 
How much would it take? 
To believe in the La La La.

Skeptical you surely were. 
When will the, “La La La” 
turn to a “Dun Dun Dunnnn!” 
I’m sure you had the thought. 

Pretty Pretty Pretty. 
Why can’t I just be like that? 
Why can’t I just be 
Pretty Pretty Pretty?

You wait for the turnaround. 
And impatient as we are, 
you turn to creation. 
Or more, recreation. 

You would reread. 
The first La La La 
would be read far different,
than the second. 

Why? 
Why must you create your definition of balance? 
Why can’t I just be Pretty Pretty Pretty? 
Why must you combust? 

Break me up. 
Eat me and spit me out. 
It’s as gross as that,
but you disagree. 

You call it normal,
and sometimes, 
you smile. 
La La La.

One day I hope I can just be Pretty Pretty Pretty. 
That sure would be nice. 
And then I won’t need to write anymore. 
Well, I probably still will.

For I really am a writer, 
and then… Hehe, 
and then... La La La, 
I’ll finally really will be a Pretty Pretty Pretty writer.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to visit my Favorite Posts to get the full experience that Live Life Liberated has to offer 🙂

Loneliness, what is it? It’s the demon without his fire. It’s a thought without freedom. It is the way to be with a known but regretful end. 

I hate feeling lonely. I absolutely hate my weakness to its occasional pressing existence. 

I hate it because I am smart and I have power. You see, I fill this darkness. I find a voice to consume this existence until the illusion of another dominates.

It’s so simple to see now. To look back at. To see it as it was and not an is. 

So pathetic the drummer boy drums. He bends his will to all who want to hear. He plays the tunes of the old. 

Oh drummer boy. Stop. Please just stop. Play to your tune. Do you even know what that is anymore? Did you even have one to begin with? Do you even know that you are drumming!?!

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Everything is alive; I’ve had this feeling lately; I can’t think of any words for the feeling; it’s just a feeling; a sensation of chaotic ease; I may have already written about this; that’s okay; it’s okay; everything is beautiful right now; oh, and it’s obviously perfect; the good is colored in only through the contrast of the bad; nothing is happening; I can feel and therefore understand this truth at the moment, maybe that’s the way to crack the paradox; god is infinitely creating, always has, always will; yet according to “Law of One”, there was a progress from the beginning to becoming infinitely intelligent, and then infinitely creating; the only reason we say anything like that took place is because we assume that there can be such thing as change and things at all; so for this all to be true, the amount of time, infinite on both ends, most only be now

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Outside. 
Just stay outside. 
That is where the answer lies. 
I promise.

Music will take to the skies as wings grow their feathers. 
Hold me, my love. 
I’ll show all that you give. 
And you’ll find all that there is. 

I feel a dream. 
Everything just seems like a dream. 
So far. 
It’s in hand but too far to touch. 

Hold me I said. 
I’m on your side. 
I see your sight. 
And I feel your fight. 

Is it madness? 
You ask as you wonder the thoughts for others as your own. 
But why? 
Why are you afraid of something you know to pursue? 

Pursue. 
You’re not there. 
I’m sorry to be the one who must say. 
Far you must fly if you hope to understand all that is known. 

Touch my pedals,
and watch them fall. 
Soak them in,
all in all.

Where do you write from? 
Is it the soul? 
Or an endless hole? 
Ha, I rhymed again. 

Catch yourself drinking poison,
and you will never stop. 
You just look away. 
So that ignorance is to blame.

Do you fight? 
No. 
Your sword is never drawn.
Yet, it is always there.

Why? 
That’s the question to ask.
Here’s the riddle. 
Are you ready? 

Because you are no more the knight than you are the devil. 
You are no more the attacked then the attacker. 
You are the scene that brought this moment to life. 
Giving definition and therefore recognition.

You beautiful fucking writer you. 
You laid out reality and called it so.
I envy your creativity. 
Yet I can’t help but worship my own.

But no. 
No, 
No, 
NO! 

It is a show. 
A dream, 
that’s the word. 
A fabrication of your imagination that you rarely question until after. 

So, what can you do? 
Another question to solve.
Well, debately, you must always write.
Because you are the writer (I wish you could see how exact that wording is)

Let’s do the best we can. 
See ourselves for the writers we are. 
Smile for it is love. 
Smile for it is all. 

And smile for that is the writer you’d prefer to be… so just do it. 

“Complication is nothing but a fool’s justification to never look up from his pen.” 

Let the words flow. You cannot stop a stream from running unless you plug the hole. So let it go my love. Just go and see where it takes you.

Okay. So, what did I feel just now? Light in the form of a butterfly.

Strangely the experience has no end. Insanity is a flip away from genius.

Genius!! Where is he? Who is he? Haha, what is happening?

My words cannot be matched. The stroke of the pen blurs as the words become the only in reality. Is this how the greats feel?

Letting their hands move and merely record the words that write themselves? So ego-bound. A great? You could bear no burden.

Haha, is that the point? When in a hole we write subjectively with a different tone and my love you are saved! Saved to write, again and again, slithering around the words of others.

My body cannot stop. I’m in pain but it feels so far. So far the words land on their page and the ego grows concerned, “You look insane! They will notice! They will judge! AHHH.”

Let them, my love. Who cares for their will? They are but their own and that you are to them.

Words are written. Tales are said. Future is found. Past is now. Now belongs to where it is and no further.

What?!? AHHH. You can’t even control yourself.

WHO? Where is this person? I want to meet him. He seems so fun. So joyful and proud. So nice and strong. He sounds perfect. Haha, what an invention my friend. 5 out of 5 for you.

This is separate. This you cannot explain. Your mind panics and your body resists. You cannot contain. You ache. But you allow the stream to flow.

Flow. Flow away to sea and only then do you find the treasure you call home. Open and eat your gold. Allow the happiness to pull its light from the cracks of your skull.

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Did you know that I don’t know without you? 
We are bound but you call me evil. 
I am home yet you call me prison. 
I am your savior yet you call me the devil.

Why is this? 
Why must the serpent have legs to be good? 
Is it the lack of legs that create cruelty, 
or is the cruelty what got rid of the legs?

“The lack of legs! That made the cruelty!” 
Shut up Darwin. 
It’s an analogy. 
Rationalism isn’t one to get that.

What do you do,
as the angle in Hell? 
You could rule. 
That sure would be fun. 

But tired we all get. 
So,
Why not find a friend. 
Surely other angles must visit eventually.

“Get your head out of your ass! You’re not the angle you arrogant fuck!” 
Haha, 
okay maybe. 
Or maybe not. 

I see no proof. 
That’s what I crave.
Trust I do, 
but how long must the dog stare until you are reminded of his teeth?

So lucky. 
That’s me. 
So very lucky. 
I like living in Heaven. 

Drip Drop Splash. 
Remember that? 
Maybe I’ll get there yet… do you know what I’m saying? 
I always wonder.

An audience I write for.
Yet a solo experience I don’t look to ruin. 
Lost you may get, but don’t worry, 
there’s not much farther to go. 

Love me and I’ll do the same.
Well… I’ll try. 
To be honest, 
I don’t know how to love. 

How to care unconventionally. 
How to be without the I guiding. 
You see, I don’t see. 
Do you?

Eat my heart, 
go ahead, 
it tastes fine. 
:)

Chew thoroughly. 
Yet swallow whole. 
It’s a big bite and no, 
this isn’t my soul.

So… how is it? 
Is it how you expected? 
Do you even have something to expect? 
Ha, of course you do. 

You’re human after all. 
Did you forget? 
Probably for just a moment. 
One moment, and that is all.