There was nothing wrong with my childhood. Literally, not one thing. It’s odd to say out loud. It feels weird to accept. And at first, it is scary to know.
This idea may sound confusing, and it may seem impossible, but I promise, it’s the truth. You see, what I’ve done to myself is what almost every human has done, and will continue to do. I’ve written my past accordingly to the past I want.
For so long I looked back and just saw pain. So much pain. So much stress. And an unbelievable amount of loneliness. These issues were, and are, real… but they’re also incomplete. Because as much as I used to not want to admit it to myself, there was also so much light.
I always had friends. We hung out a lot. I always had family. We smiled a lot. And yes, the past had darkness, but there was more than just darkness. There was so much that I was forgetting. So much I was letting go of in order to see the past that I wanted to see, and not the past that was.
I was uncomfortable, but only sometimes. I was awkward, but only sometimes. I was insecure, but only sometimes.
Now you may ask, since many do, why would I want to see darkness? Why would I want to be unhappy? Why would I make my own hell?
I’ll answer your question with a question, why are you so certain that pursuing happiness is our driving principle? If that is the case, then why do we rush for pleasures? We drink ourselves into a rut. We distance ourselves out of fear. We work to forget. We take without even realizing that we took. It can be fun, but only for the moment, and these moments are short.
For most of my life, I’ve been scared of being happy. The idea terrified me. And I’m talking about true happiness. The happiness one gets when their life is complete. When someone can’t help but have a genuine smile on their face every time they wake up in the morning because they are blessed with another perfect day. Yeah, that type of happy. That shit made me fucking panic.
Because as the self author I am, and the negative loops we need to consciously avoid, I reminded myself day in and day out that I was better. I would tell myself that happiness, that genuine true beautiful happiness, must be fake. “Just look at it”, I’d say. “Watch as they cry inside. Notice their ignorance. Feel their pain that they must be hiding”. Rationalization is quite a powerful tool.
And so, I set to work in my hell, my beautiful hell. I learned to be content. I found the “bright side” in things. And in time, I found comfort in myself while avoiding the truth. Surrounding myself with disillusion until the illusion became reality.
We grow with our assumptions, and we develop our logic and reasoning and experience accordingly. Which makes this ever so difficult to explain. Remember when I said I had a thought that could not be spread? Well, here is it.
Happiness for me was the unknown. It was new territory. A land not traveled on. There were no roads, no path, just wildness. And it terrified me because I was scared of getting lost. Oh, yes. Getting lost is the fear.
I couldn’t imagine a life, a me, without my darkness as a guide. If I got lost in the happiness, then what would I be? What would I become? Who would I be? Questions that I was too scared to answer, so I never tried. You see, I was my sadness.
I feared that I would forget my pain. My reason for being. Because as much as the pain hurt, it made sense. It was all of the sense. And if I lost it, then I wouldn’t know what to be and worst of all, this would mean that I held onto the darkness for no reason. That the pain I had felt was simply for no reason other than its own self-creation.
The darkness hurt, yes, but it is powerful. It is a tool and a weapon and armor. And so you make that darkness, that sadness, into the best damn thing ever. You know the ins and outs. The rights and wrongs. Every last detail to the point that you believe you are the one who should thank the darkness. For it made you, and you learned to love it.
But then there’s that lingering issue… it’s sadness.
Yes, you will be powerful. Yes, you will be sure. But… you’ll be sad. You’ll be in hell. And as much as you tell yourself there is not, there is a heaven. It’s so beautiful, trust me, please! It’s in the happiness. You just need to let go! Let go of your feelings of getting lost, and just walk, you’ll find what you looking for and so much more!
Nothing has actually ever hurt me. I’ve only hurt myself. And depending on how I remember my past, I will determine how much more pain I put myself through. This isn’t to ignore but to instead feel and let go. To kindly accept that you are the issue, not the world that surrounds you.
“It is an odd moment when you realize something that has always been, does not have to always be”