It had to have been around mid spring, I left a routine therapy appointment and just kept staring up at the treetops lining my way home, immersed in thought. Throughout the course of the session, I tried to recount the parts of my life that brought me the most joy. As I thought about this I realized that there were things I loved doing, such as writing and playing music, yet I never made any time for them. I wondered to myself “Why? Why have I not been seeking out the things that I enjoy?”. I soon realized that most of the time I am not putting active thought into improving my life, but instead am sitting idle and letting life pass me by. It was then, on that walk back home from the therapist that the importance of self reflection really hit me.
Around two years ago I became dead set on becoming a clinical psychiatrist. Following that decision I began constructing a plan on how to get there, I laid out all the steps early on and stayed true to them for quite some time. Plans change. It is not in the nature of life to be predictable, there are always obstacles that go unaccounted for. It is when we come to face these obstacles that self reflection is most important.
I should probably clarify what I mean by self reflection. I use this term to say “Using full concentration to look into oneself in order to discover personal motivations and to answer questions that could not have be answered with simple or casual thought.” I find myself reflecting on life constantly, but what is interesting is that much of this time spent reflecting is not done consciously. Most of the time I find myself really digging deep is when I’m listening to a powerful song, or when I’m out taking a walk. These times of effortless deep thought are vital to mental health, and to making important life decisions, however they are not what I really want to focus on here. Instead, I want to focus on the deep thought conjured up by conscious effort and determination.
We are the sculptors our our own lives, and much like nature itself, our lives are very fluid. If we have the will, and the resources, we can mold our lives into any shape that we find fitting. It’s a tragedy when one decides that they will be complacent to the ebb and flow of life, they will let their life be molded for them in any way that life takes them. I allowed my life to be molded for me for a long time. I created my plan of action and made no effort to change it, no effort to account for the slings and arrows of life.
What a wake up call it was that day walking out of my therapists office realizing that during all that time I was making no effort to fight my depression at all. It had never dawned on me that the plan I had set for myself was not concrete and that I could actually revise it to account for my own mental health. If I had taken the time to sit, to think, and to open myself up to new possibilities not only would I have been less depressed in that time, but I would have achieved my goal more efficiently as well.
I think reflection is great for mental health but it’s also great in terms of productivity. Life becomes a lot easier if one sits down to ask, “Are there things that bother me? Can those things be fixed?”. In my car the rear-view mirror began chipping away, and although functional, it drove me fuckin’ mad. To end my insanity I just had to buy a replacement online. I did a twenty minute installation and voula, my driving experience improved tenfold. This is a minor example, but it shows that there are so many things in life that cause such minor annoyances, and we never realize that there’s a fix until we really sit down and take the time to think about it.
The beginning of the day is the hardest time for me. Depression seems to thrive the more one has to think about the future, for me that’s thinking about the day ahead. I fight this, however, with some effortful thought. I think on what I would enjoy the most that day and how I can get it. I reflect on times that were good and remind myself that times can be good again. As I dig deeper into myself I come to understand ways to improve my life, and through those improvements life becomes a little more bearable. What I’m saying here is, sculpt your life, all it takes is a little time and a wish to move forward. After you’ve done this, sit back and take a look at your sculpture again, you just may find it looks a little bit better.
