Tag: ACT

It’s Okay

Remember that tween phase of your life when smiling for a picture put more strain on your face than any plastic surgeon could?  It was exhausting. First, you had to look around to make sure that there was not a soul to judge you. Then you had to force your face to make the most unnatural shape it could as you frantically check if someone will see you with your giggling parents.

Maybe that was just me, but what about that awkward hair phase?  I remember getting a haircut and just praying it will stay that way for at least the month.  Fearing the day your hair grows out of the haircut you paid for, and slowly, week by week, moves into a different one.  

Yeah, I hated that.  Normally in those times of desperation I would wear a hat, but looking back, that too was no escape.  I spent my teen years wearing an explorer hat. I am not talking about a cowboy hat, but instead a full-blown Indiana Jones hat. To this day I will defend that hat with my life, but I can’t deny it is a bit weird.  

Yet who hasn’t bought something out of guilty pleasure?  Come on, your telling me you never considered buying a Robo hat or a purple tiara?  What about a zippo so that you can be as cool as James Bond or Cowboy Bebop? And there’s no shame in admitting you lowkey have wanted to be the next bachelorette for the last few years.

I should probably get to the point of all this.  I have one point, and it’s rather simple: it’s okay.  All these things we do, buy, and enjoy are okay. It is okay because we all have that something that we were or are ashamed of.  And the only reason we think it is a “bad” thing is because nobody wants to admit they thought about it as well.

Society is made up of a lot of pressures to fit the “norm”. This largely creates the one size fits all mindset, and personally I hate that.  I hate how many of us, myself included, sometimes say and do things simply because they fit the norm. I mean how many people do the same dance move every time they get on the dance floor?  I’ve noticed through my personal experience that people like to stick to the same four or five “cool” dance moves and then shuffle through those all night.  

Being a twenty-year-old college student, I have witnessed three phases at this point.  The first is when we are too young to pick up on these social cues and requirements on how to be.  This is a time when kids just are kids. It is not until later in their life that they begin to notice when they are playing with the “wrong” or “right” toys.  Or when they are wearing the “wrong” or “right” clothes.

The second phase generally happens through middle school.  It is the moment we slowly begin to notice these societal expectations and desperately begin to fit them.  We rush to find who and what we are supposed to be. How to act, who to like, what to wear and all that good stuff.  This is a desperate attempt to be accepted and fit in.

The last phase is maintenance.  Having fit in a group by now, many of us try to maintain that level of acceptance by sticking with the times.  This process can feel a bit passive, but I would argue it is work nonetheless. Work, just as before, to fit in and maintain acceptance.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is very generalized.  I, of course, see plenty of individuals and groups pull from this norm and present themselves how they would like to be.  Especially recently it appears more and more people are feeling comfortable being who they want to be rather than who they should be.  But nonetheless a standard exists.

A standard to be a certain person and to be a certain way.  So as I said at the beginning of this post, it’s okay. There is no right or wrong way to act, there is only common or uncommon.  No way is superior to the other and we need to accept that. We need to learn to be okay with others, and most of all, be okay with ourselves.  

I encourage any readers out there to consider what actually makes you happy and who you actually want to be.  You may already be doing that, and that’s great, but sadly not enough of us are. And the reason I know that is because these norms still exist.  The day we all learn to love and accept ourselves is the day these norms are extinguished. It will be the day we try to smile for a picture and laugh at how ridiculous our buck teeth look, rather than shamefully trying again.

Acceptance in an Ever Changing World

Acceptance is not inherently good or bad, it just is. So while this means sometimes we must dig up uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, it does not mean we have to dwell on them.

In our ever changing world there is nothing more comfortable than the familiar. Routine, nostalgia, and tradition give us a sense of stability, especially in times where life seems to be moving too fast. Familiarity however, goes beyond these things, it also has a powerful effect on our mind. Once we find ourselves with a comfortable thought or idea, it becomes very challenging to let go of it. Although in the short term this gives us great comfort, it could mean catastrophe for our ability to learn and grow. I believe that we have a powerful tool to combat this stagnation, and I believe that tool is acceptance.

Now there are a lot of ways one could define acceptance, the way I will define it here is “The allowance of a thought or idea to exist in the mind without repression or judgement.” There are many thoughts that we have, some good, and some bad. When I say without judgement that isn’t to say the thought itself should not but judged, but that its existence should not be. For instance I may have the thought “I am a bad person, people do not like me.” this thought is inherently negative and I don’t believe it should be given much credence, however, it should also be allowed to exist in the mental space without repression. This allows us to have a wider perspective on our thought process, and be more in tune with our own thinking. From that point of hearing the thought out, I can then decide whether or not it is important to listen to, in this case I decide it isn’t, and let it fade away of its own volition.

I have been practicing acceptance a lot lately, I find it has brought me a lot of peace. For myself, it usually involves emotional acceptance. I find personally I push feelings away, usually with prejudice, as opposed to letting them have their space. So the way I have been practicing is when I notice an emotion, is to simply let it exist, acknowledging its presence and the fact that it is temporary. This technique works for a lot of things besides emotions. Accepting differences in opinions, shameful thoughts or feelings, and events that have occured can bring a powerful change to life. With that said however, there is a large caveat that you must be on the lookout for.

Acceptance is not inherently good or bad, it just is. So while this means sometimes we must dig up uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, it does not mean we have to dwell on them. When first practicing this way of thinking I found myself stuck in a rut many times. I would just keep dwelling on negative events from the past. This is not acceptance, but only the opposite of ignorance. With acceptance it is important to allow things to just exist as they are, then to deal with them in that state.

I spoke earlier of our fast moving world and of comfort. I believe that many times when the world changes around us, we do not accept our new reality. This could be as small as not accepting an outsiders opinion, to something as large as not accepting the death of a loved one. Either way if we do not accept change as it comes then we will never adapt to our new reality, and thus we will never grow. It may be painful, it may be uncomfortable, or maybe even exciting but I believe that acceptance is the way towards exiting our comfort zone and truly growing into wiser people.

The Act of Dwelling

 

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Imagine that in your hand that you have a book all about goats getting into trees. It is a pretty heavy book, probably around two pounds with a picture of a goat on the front and a bright blue border. Now take a minute to relax and think about whatever you like, except for the book, make sure to not think about the book under any circumstances. Take one minute to do this.

It was challenging wasn’t it? We as humans possess a lot of power over ourselves but there are still many things that we cannot control, and one of these is the emergence of thought. I mean sure we can confront our own thoughts and mold them the way that we like, but we do not have a say over when they come about. In the scheme of our whole body this seems insignificant, one of many autonomous functions out of our control, but it can have serious consequences on our daily lives. Disorders such as PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) stem from a lack of control on emerging thoughts in the brain. We also have normal occurrences of this, like not being able to forget an embarrassing moment, or not being able to get your significant other out of your head at work.

Although perfectly normal, this process can bring some major stress to the lives of those who have continuously troubling thoughts. To think about why this is we can go back to the book exercise, as humans it is impossible for us to force thoughts to go away. We must employ a different method, one where instead of dismissing the thought, or attacking it, we accept it for what it is. This method is something originating from Steven C. Hayes who created ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and I think it is ingenious.

The road to peace is paved with more peace, it is impossible to find resolution in an issue you are actively fighting with. One cannot expect a thought to no longer cause them trouble when they are at war with it, so one must disarm themself. When dark thoughts come what we must do is the opposite of what seems natural, we must acknowledge them and let them be where they stand. For instance when thinking about that time I wet myself on an airplane, I must not tell the embarrassing thought to go away because if I do, not only will it probably return but it will have more power over me. What I do is let the thought be, recognize that it is only a thought, and eventually my brain will not see the point in letting it hang around.

At first this can be a very challenging thing to do, some thoughts have a drawing power to them that is hard to pull away from. So what I propose to you is to notice what thoughts are entering your mind and think “Does this thought cause me harm, does it make me upset?”, if you answer yes then give this method a shot. First accept that it is just a thought in your head, then try to make peace with it being there. At first this may fail, it might even make it worse, but it is important to continue trying past that. Mastery of this skill can have very profound effects on a life, I am only a beginner and I am already seeing positive effects in my day-to-day. So I challenge you, it doesn’t even take much time, just notice your thoughts more and when something rotten pops it’s head out, try and invite them in this time.