Tag: Listen

How About We Stop Judging

Judging is defined as forming an opinion, or drawing a conclusion, about someone or something with limited knowledge and using your own perspective on the matter.  When considering judgement in this way, I find that it happens a lot more than we realize. Essentially everything we consider and do is in this manner. We use both the knowledge we have and the bias we own to make our decisions and judgments on a situation.

Hence why for the most part I am okay with judging. It is something we are programmed to do, there is no denying that.  It is an evolutionary trait we have developed to prepare for quick decision making and necessary assessments of possible danger.  What I am not okay with is when we use this skill on other people and assume we know their situation. When we compare what they are going through to our own experiences, and assume we experienced the same thing but magically prevailed. Call me crazy, but I don’t believe in magic.

Here’s the one thing we tend to forget when thinking of others, they aren’t you. You, me, the guy in your tenth-grade math class, your crazy neighbor, your parents, and whoever else you can think of, all have one commonality.  That commonality is that we lack any absolute commonality with one another. Let me explain.

Subjectivity is something influenced by feelings, tastes, and opinions.  When thinking in this sense, our world is subjective because everything, and I mean everything, is subjective.   A simple example of this is shown when you hold your phone in your hand. As you pick up your phone, you cannot know for sure whether it is you raising the phone or if it is instead levitating up as your hand moves up.  One could argue that you “feel” the phone, but the same situation occurs.  Do you feel the phone in your hands, or does a sensation rush into your hand as you think you are holding the phone?  Any one of our senses could be rearranged in this manner, inconveniencing us into not know which reality is true.

Here’s a more concrete example: everything is subjective because there is a constant filter that we take the world in from. As in with every sense you have, there is a filter from that thing you are experiencing and whatever you define as yourself experiencing it. In between you and the thing you experience is the lens that transfers this information. And that lens, of course, is biased and subject to the emotions and expectations that you have of yourself and the world around you. Therefore, nothing is a direct intake without some type of internal influence when interpreting. 

It should be noted that although this concept is commonly accepted among modern philosophers, one should not get stuck on this way of thinking.  However, there is an important thing to notice with this realization. With the understanding of our world being subjective, comes the understanding that how we all interpret this world could be completely different depending on the person.  An example of this, that most of us have all heard, is that your blue could be my red, and vise versa. The colors that I have defined in my head could be entirely different than yours. This is idea, of individual realities, is reinforced with Cogito’s quote, “I think, therefore I am”.  

Since we are not in each other’s heads, it is impossible to tell how someone other than yourself experiences something.  We can relate with one another, but we can not truly know what it feels like to be that person. And that is why the one thing we all have in common leads to the very thing we all have uniquely.  We all live in a subjective world, but that subjective world makes us experience our unique thoughts and emotions.

This is why judging is so terrible.  When we judge we assume we know what it means to be that person and to be honest with you, there is no way we do.  Two people’s external surroundings could be identical and it still wouldn’t matter because their internal ones could be infinitely different.  

This is where I feel most of the issue in judgement is.  People compare themselves to others who turned out worse than them, yet grew up in the same environment.  They see these people and sometimes guiltily smile. Many of us only see as far as the external world and assume the rest is the same.  The thing is that it isn’t, and arguably if it was you would do the same exact thing. So unless you wanna disagree with the fact that we are the product of nature and nurture, we need to start considering both parts of people.

Therefore, we need to stop judging others.  We need to because we are in no position to.  We need to acknowledge the fact that someone addicted to cocaine and heroin, spending the next 15 years in the hole from dealing is no worse than you or me.  We all live in an uncertain world. One with no bearing on how anyone thinks other than ourselves. Let’s stop pretending like we are magically better than anyone else. We need to accept the fact that nobody, nobody, deserves to be judged.  And that nobody should have the liberty to use minimal, biased “facts” and throw them onto anyone but themselves.

Just How Different is our Physical and Mental Health?

Imagine if broken limbs were treated the same as mental illness.  A world where broken limbs were never talked about. One where a broken leg was ignored and avoided in all conversation rather than met with understanding and sympathy.  One where a student’s cast was hidden under his jacket rather than being signed by all his peers with rainbow-colored markers.

Mental illness is a worldwide problem that leads to millions of deaths every year, but it appears that nobody is discussing it. Well let me clarify, scientists and mental health experts are talking about it… but what about everyone else? Conversationally, in day to day life, this topic doesn’t seem to exist. There seems to be no casual way to bring up one’s schizophrenia, or no simple understanding of how to talk about depression. 

The ironic part of these illnesses is that they are no scarier than the flu when broken down.  The flu is a disease that infects anywhere from five to twenty percent of Americans each year (CDC Foundation). Of those infected people, approximately two hundred thousand are hospitalized and thirty-six thousand die (Wiegman, 2012). This disease infects the body so that it can no longer function properly and will sometimes result in death if it is not treated properly. 

Mental illnesses work in a similar fashion.  Using depression as an example, this is a disease that affects the brain of its victim so that the natural flow of emotions is limited to unrelenting sadness.  With approximately seven percent of the American population suffering at least one major depressive disorder each year, it would appear that this issue is a lot more common than first anticipated.  With experts estimating that thirty to seventy percent of suicide deaths are due to depression (Koskie, 2018), which is the tenth leading cause of death in America (Nichols, 2017), it would appear depression alone is as deadly as the flu. 

Why are these two diseases treated differently?  Why is one disease as socially accepted as a broken body part that just needs time to heal, when the other is treated as an unnecessary cry for help?  I believe the answer lies in the fact that one affects the respiratory system, while the other affects the brain. The only difference I can see between these two categories is in the name, health compared to mental health.  

The problem I see is that physical health is commonly called health, rather than the specific subcategory it really is.  By simply calling it health and not categorizing it, it illustrates the idea that mental health is lesser than physical health.  It is this social construct that makes physical health appear to be the true health we must maintain, while mental health is more of an option.

This mindset must end.  It must end because people are dying and many of those deaths could have been prevented if we had openly spoken to one another.  I am not saying that mental illness can be cured simply by talking, but I’m saying it is a start. It is a start to see mental illness at its face value, as a disease and not a weakness.  I believe the day we feel comfortable enough to talk about our mental issues is the day they begin to go away because once everyone starts talking we will realize just how alike we all are.  

Seeing mental illness for what it really is might rid the shame and guilt that so many people feel their entire lives till the day they die.  We will all begin to see just how powerful these many illnesses are that exist in the shadows of everyday life. Rather than having a world where broken limbs are in some way superior to mental illness, let’s have a world where all illnesses are as accepted as easily as a broken limb.  


Work Cited
CDC Foundation. “Flu Prevention.” CDC Flu Infographic, www.cdcfoundation.org/businesspulse/flu-prevention-infographic.

Wiegman, Stacy. “How Many People Get the Flu Each Year? | Cold and Flu.” Sharecare, 2012, www.sharecare.com/health/cold-and-flu/how-common-is-influenza.

Koskie, Brandi. “Depression: Facts, Statistics, and You.” Health Line, 2018, www.healthline.com/health/depression/facts-statistics-infographic.

Nichols, Hannah. “The Top 10 Leading Causes of Death in the United States.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 23 Feb. 2017, www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/282929.php.

The Little Things

I guess sometimes life is about the little things.  The moments when you help a friend or make a new one.  The times you talk all night because the person on the other line can’t imagine being alone.  Or when you give a friend a ride home so that they can finally crawl out of their shell and let out their demons.

These actions require both emotional stability and empathy.  In these moments you need to prioritize another human over yourself.  You need to walk into their shoes and feel around. Listen to what they say and touch what they feel.  After some time you will hear and feel clearly through their perspective. You will be a part of them, and in many ways, you will be them.

It is then when you feel the pain they feel, you must also feel the happiness they feel.  It is buried very deep within them, but nonetheless, it is there, just hiding. Their hope, their peace, and most all, their purpose, are all hiding in the back of their minds.  Hiding from the light and being absorbed by the darkness.

When uncovering this light you cannot miss a beat or break a sweat.  You cannot seem weakened or discouraged. You must present their happiness as an equal and allow this person to watch as you hold their happiness with confidence and hope.  You would show this person the light that they believed was nonexistent and offer it to them. Eventually, they will hopefully follow your steps and gratefully take it from you. For those moments, and hopefully many more, this person will be able to hold onto the happiness that they thought they lost. 

As you watch this individual have their moment of clarity, the hardest part follows.  You must take off their shoes, prioritize yourself again and resume how you once were.  Unchanged and stable. This process is difficult but not impossible. And when looking, as yourself, at the happiness your friend now holds, it makes it all worth it.  Because at that moment you see more than they do. You see past this issue and look at the greater picture. You see hope. Hope that the world will grow. Hope that the world has a chance.  Hope that you, yourself, can help heal it.  

These moments can happen within minutes and give a lifelong memory.  I have experienced this in many types of relationships. The one commonality I have found with these experiences is what it creates after.  A bond is formed that is pure and true. One that I like to think of as simply a true friend.

I have seen so many people believe that they are the center of the universe and that they must prioritize themselves before anyone else.  In a way they are not wrong, it’s your body, and who else is going to keep track of it if not you? Yet in such a globally connected world it would be nice if we were connected by more than just our cell phones and Snapchat streaks. 

What I describe in the previous paragraphs is the ultimate connection.  The connection between two individuals that for a split second, are closer to being one than two.  As a human race I believe we should strive to have as many of these connections as possible. If we become connected, the world would be a much more understanding place.  When one understands their neighbor, they are more likely to bring cookies, rather than complaints. When one understands their rival’s motives, they are more likely to find an agreement, rather than an argument.  When one understands the pain billions suffer every day, the more likely they are to donate millions to those very people. 

My intended takeaway from this post is to please make a connection.  A real connection. One that involves you to not be you. One that makes you them, and if you do this enough you will eventually come to realize that they are the same as you, and always will be. 

“We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” – Maya Angelou

How Vulnerability can lead to Invincibility

Vulnerability is the state of being exposed to possible harm or attacks, either through physical or emotional means. Almost nobody wants to feel this, yet arguably everyone needs to. 

With few exceptions, people are born with the need to emotionally connect. This commonality largely leads to our desire for comfort and well-being. In short, we want to be happy. It’s that simple. A way to ensure such happiness is to minimize emotions that go against it. To do this, many of us attempt to minimize our vulnerability, our state when discomfort can affect our well-being. Our intentions are clear cut, but the consequences of these actions are damaging.

To reiterate, vulnerability is defined as a state of possibly being attacked emotionally and physically. Both mental and physical components of our well-being are affected by our vulnerability to certain situations. Yet there is a reason why we, the public conscious, mostly associate vulnerability with mental attacks. 

Humanity has created a society that allows physical safety for us. Yet this is a fairly recent achievement. Of humanity’s two-hundred thousand years of existence, only five percent of that has been spent building civilizations. Before that we spent our days running around, looking for our next meal. In those years of do or die, we learned many skills and ways to think, one of which was to contain our vulnerability from the outside world.

Nowadays, the typical person is much safer physically than his or her ancestors. Because of this, our physical defenses have gone down over the centuries and been replaced by mental ones. The shift in how we defend ourselves has allowed people the ability to close themselves off from others. The issue with this is that people cannot suppress one emotion and leave the rest untouched. In my personal experience and research, attempting to suppress one emotion will result in all of them being suppressed.

The worst part is that our technological innovations have made this work easier. How many times have you looked down at your phone rather than exchanging a slightly awkward ‘hello’ with someone? At that moment we feel insecure because we don’t know our relationship with that person. Instead of addressing it, many of us take the easy way out and ‘happen’ to be looking the other way. We still walk past that person, but it feels a whole lot easier because mentally we are miles away. 

This phenomenon is also partly why I believe people get mentally addicted to objects and activities.  Whether that be a phone, drug, alcohol, food, or sex, we begin to rely on these things because they make us feel less vulnerable. When under the influence, people enter a different headspace that distracts them from their psychological pain (not to mention most drugs flood the brain with dopamine, a chemical that causes happiness). Addicts need an emotion, or lack of one, and find that relief in something external to them, no matter the consequences. 

I think we can all agree that we would rather feel happy than sad. The harder question is how do we achieve this? How do we, ourselves, minimize sadness, rather than having something suppress it? I think the answer to this question is by allowing our vulnerability to coexist with us, by accepting that it is an emotion that is as valid as any other. Our emotions make us who we are, and we should be proud of them, all of them.

Not just the part you want to see, but the whole thing.  Yes, the glorified Instagram image of you is great, but the picture of you before you understood that hardly anything matches with orange is just as important.  The A you got in mathematics should make you proud, but so should the C you got in Spanish. We should strive to see ourselves for who we are and smile anyways.

Not just that but we also need to take risks.  To not hide in our phones when we are unsure whether to wave at the person walking past us.  We should instead look them in the eyes and say hello. Sure, they may not say it back, and you may feel embarrassed, but who cares.  At least you tried, and maybe next time that person will say hi to you after he or she reconsiders their action. This fear of being vulnerable and looking weak needs to end.  We are all weak in some ways, and we are all strong in other ways. Let’s embrace that and be proud of who we are, who we truly are.

Who is Biased?

Image credit: nst.com.my

I, like half of the United States, have divorced parents. Seeing both sides on a regular basis, I was lucky enough to be met with love no matter the roof I was sleeping under. So in that regard, I could never ask for more. I have loving parents and I am forever grateful for that. Yet, through this love came a war. A war on who my parents wanted me to be, and let me start by saying, they wanted very different things.

My mom wanted me to know how to survive. She wanted me to be tough, strong, and the type of person who would never be pushed around. Alternatively, my dad wanted me to know how to live. He wanted me to be caring, safe, and the person someone goes to when they need to talk about their feelings.

Both parents loved me, I’m grateful for that, but with these different parenting goals came different rules. Their differences would seem to show in everything I did or did not do. From one saying to fight the bully and the other saying to tell a teacher. One believing in having closer friends, and the other in a closer family. One taught me to get dirty and play rough, while the other taught me to stay inside and keep warm.

As a child, all I wanted to do was make my loving parents proud. Yet this seemed impossible. No matter what I did I seemed to always be displeasing one or the other.

In response to this impossible task I started living two lives. I became two people. I would play differently, talk to different people, and react to things differently, all depending on the house I was living in for that moment. This was my life for quite some time, more than I would like to admit. Yet eventually it came to an end and the two conflicting worlds finally merged.

I still do not totally know what it was, but one day I simply started seeing what I was doing to myself. I realized the duality of my own personality. And I didn’t like it.

Eventually I collected myself and developed a singular Jake West. Through this process an amazing trait formed. I learned to keep an open mind. From years of seeing such different views it became clear that neither side was entirely correct. I learned there is no right or wrong in almost all debates and decisions, there are simply opinions. These opinions form from biased backgrounds and differing childhoods. They form from the limited knowledge we are taught and the limited information we learn. Depending on where we live and who we are raised by, this limited knowledge differs from person to person.

What I write for you right now is not a fact, but merely a biased opinion. A biased opinion that I hope to be as unbiased and as factual as possible, but an opinion nonetheless. What I have found in society is that we treat these opinions as if they are facts and then refuse to allow anyone to change or sway our unarguable facts.

I believe this is, without a doubt, one of the greatest mistakes our species is currently making in modern times. We are treating our opinions as facts and acting on them in certainty. We are discrediting people who have put just as much time and effort into their biased view as the person trying to discredit them. And all of this is limiting our ability to share knowledge and understand one another.

So, I have one request from this post: listen. Listen to your friends and listen to your enemies. Listen to your superiors and listen to your inferiors. Especially listen to your children and listen to your guardians. We must listen to one another because what everyone has to say is important. Everyone. There will always be something to take away from a conversation and there is always someone who can teach you a new bit of information.

We must understand that our views, our opinions and our thoughts are biased. We are all biased and we are all not completely correct on our view on the world. If we can learn this, then we can learn to truly listen. Once we begin listening we will be that much closer to seeing the ultimate truth and that much closer to seeing humanity come together. My childhood taught me this, and I hope one day your experiences will teach you this as well.