Conflict is something that I have always found terribly uncomfortable. I would argue that most of the conflicts that we have with one another are unnecessary. These conflicts simply exist because of poor communication. In this case I am defining a conflict as an argument or serious disagreement between two or more people, that may, or may not lead to physical violence. I believe that the majority of conflicts, major or minor, can be avoided by the use of patience and careful word choice.
A prime example of common conflicts are those amongst couples. Next time you hear a couple argue or bicker, listen in on what began it. So often I find that the fight isn’t over anything at all, it was just because of the way something was said. How we say things is as important as what we are saying. There are a thousand ways to express any sentiment. Naturally, some of these ways are going to be better than others.
Let’s think about two ways I could say “I love you” to someone. One way I could say it is, “If I had a list of all of the things I loved, you would always be in the number one spot.” Another way of saying the same thing is, “I love you even more than hamburgers, and those are my second favorite thing!” both sentiments describe a list of things I love, both say the one I love is number one, however one sentiment is clearly more romantic than the other.
So going back to conflict, it seems that so many people present their statements to others from a place of anger. Anger warps what we mean to say a lot of the time, it then only serves to make the other person angry. I believe that it is best to present statements from a place of patience and understanding, that way they can be met with the same in return.
I know that this is much easier said than done. After all it can be a real challenge to stay calm and collected all of the time. That is why the process to become a better communicator is challenging and always ongoing. It is so important to however, that I think it is worth the effort that it takes to learn. There are two basic steps to working towards becoming a better communicator, listening, and then responding in a way you believe your audience will understand the most.
Listening is so essential when it comes to defusing conflict. After all if you don’t listen you probably won’t be able to come up with an appropriate response in the first place. To practice this I would suggest to give yourself little reminders during conversation, ask yourself “am I listening to what they are saying?” It seems like a small thing but can really make a big difference, especially when well practiced.
Responding in a way that your audience will understand most is also a powerful tool to defuse conflict. Imagine a child has taken something from you and is upset that they had to give it back. One could explain to the child that stealing is wrong through abstract concepts and talk of the nature of morality, however I think this would be ineffective. A better way would be to appeal to the emotional side of the child, possibly relate to a time something was taken from them. Every person is different in their own way, so it is important we keep that in mind and know that a way we respond to one person during a time of conflict is not the same way we respond to another.
I hope that as we become more advanced we see less conflict in the world. More importantly than avoiding conflict, is the way that we respond to one another. If we listen more to one another, and tailor our words to who we are speaking with then we will be well on our way to a more peaceful world. Not to mention, a world full of more thoughtful and productive conversation.